diamondsky's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- because i started to be really good at tennis on the Wii, and then i actually had to try to be good Here's the funny thing about me... I settle. I stick with mediocre because I know it works. I get by with what I know will get the job done. Like, with my grades. I'm an A student, but you won't see me on the Dean's List or in the James Scholar list. I won't be a leader of any club or society, even though I'm in several different organizations. Or, with my work. I know that I can go at a certain pace and still get a good job done, but I won't work any faster if I have to. I've settled with some of my old friends because I don't put forth the effort it takes to forge a real friendship. I settled in track, even though I was 9 seconds away from breaking a school record... because I didn't feel like putting forth the effort. I settled in band, because even though I played a pretty awesome instrument that not very many high school bands had, I didn't feel like learning the scales because no one would really hear me anyway. Maybe I've settled into my relationship with Christ. I know that I can pray right before breakfast and try to talk a bit before I fall to sleep at night, but why work any harder when I feel okay? The crappy thing is, I want to be better. I want to make a difference, an impact, something. I want to work in extension services and help people take something they have and make it better. I want. To serve. To love. To have purpose. But why, how? That takes so much work. And I'm okay with hanging out in the evenings and not volunteering and not calling my friends to see if they're okay... because then I can play a video game. But I'll only play the video game until I'm decently good at it (because then it gets hard and it's just not as fun when I have to actually work at it to win). I settle into my comfort zone and focus on one thing at a time. Anything more is just too much, because I can't work that hard. I have settled for too many things in my life, and I don't know how to break that pattern. If I can't motivate myself to have a loving relationship with Christ, how could I possibly motivate myself to do anything else in life? And the problem with settling, is that I get really annoyed when I realize that I kinda suck at life. I kinda suck at giving advice to friends because that means I have to put forth an effort into my friendships. I kinda suck at being funny anymore, because then I actually have to be creative. I just settle back into the conversation and let someone else have all the laughs. I settle. I kinda suck at being a Catholic because it takes so much time to talk, to pray, to listen, to focus, to love, to serve, to know everything there is to know about the Catholic faith. So, what? What am I good at? What am I good for? What do people see in me, the girl who settles? I'm afraid I can't answer that yet. My new year's theme (yes, theme--I don't do resolutions anymore, just themes. Examples: 2005 was a year of change) is "take charge." But I'm afraid I've just settled for what I've got. Sad thing is, I know that what I have is pretty amazing, I'm just too lazy to put forth the effort to appreciate it. And now that I've admitted this to myself (and the world wide web) I'm still not sure I'm going to be able to do anything about it. 10:56 p.m. - June 17, 2007 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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