diamondsky's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- To Do Lists On my "To Do" list last night:
Check, check, and check. Moonstruck was a pretty big success, and I was pretty proud since I was the one who started the celebration last fall semester. Love Actually made me smile from ear to ear, and I cannot believe that I'm actually going to be in London in just a few short weeks. Whoa! It was so good to be around my friends, especially some who I hadn't really been able to see that much of during the semester. I'm going to really miss Carly and Lynn when they're gone. Dangit... Then came the hard part. I knew it had to be done. Jon hadn't come to Moonstruck, and I thought I was home free for another day. But then he called, and I cringed when I saw his name on my cell phone screen. I let him into the TV lounge, but didn't really say anything except, "Hey, grab a seat buddy!" I'm such a jerk. After the movie, Carly, Paul, and Jon hung around, and we decided we'd go out to grab late night pizza from Antonio's. I hadn't eaten anything since breakfast (shut up, I was busy! and I didn't know I'd be that busy!) so I tagged along. When we arrived at Antonio's, I realized how uncomfortable I was with Jon around, and I lost my appetite. I knew that in the next hour or so, I would be doing something that was inevitably going to hurt his feelings. It was just a big, black cloud over my head. I hated myself for something I hadn't even done yet, so I couldn't even bring myself to finish a slice of pizza. Even though, in all honesty, I was starving. The end of the night came, and Jon and I were dropped off at Newman. I felt like I was going to be sick, and I couldn't tell if it was from the greasy pizza or the conversation I was about to have. Maybe it was both. Jon and I sat in the quiet, empty Lewis Lounge and talked a bit. I couldn't bring myself to look him in the eyes when we talked. And there were several awkward silences. He had to have known something bad was coming. Then, after a really long pause, I toughened up and told him how I felt. How kind and caring and funny he is. How he says all the right things. How I just couldn't reciprocate those feelings. He took it okay, I mean, as best as a person could in a conversation like that. He promised me that I wasn't a jerk. He told me that, "The way I see it, I had a pretty good upside from all of this. I mean, I got to go to Formal with the prettiest girl there." Which made me feel awful; how could he still compliment me even though I was totally shutting him down? I shrugged it off with a witty reply, but felt empty inside. I'm obviously no good at breaking hearts. He told me that he was okay, as long as we would still be able to be friends. I told him of course, but I wanted him to try to let go of his feelings, because I know how much it sucks to hang on to a false sense of hope. I didn't want him to think that I'd be changing my mind. Maybe that was mean of me. I saw him tonight at dinner. All last week he would stop by and say hi, but not tonight. I was sitting with Matt, and our conversation was going so smoothly. I laughed easily and I felt my smile creep along my face and sink into my soul. Seriously, I was happy. But did Jon notice? I don't know. I smiled and said hi to him as I was putting my dishes away, and he said hi back. Awkward? Nah. Matt and I talked a bit in the Void (the lobby of Newman--it sort of sucks you in) and we're planning a movie night for next week after finals. I seriously don't want to be flip-flopping from one boy to another, but even Meg Ray noticed my smile the moment she saw me. "I totally know who you're smiling about, and it's amazing," she told me. In all of this, I'm feeling pretty self-absorbed. It's Christmas time. I should be focusing on other, more important things. I'm spoiled, and I should be spreading love to those who need it. Not trying to soak it up from certain boys. I'm going to have to work on that. Much joy and crossing things off your to-do list, P.S. 16 days until I leave for London 11:12 p.m. - December 09, 2006 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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