diamondsky's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Whoa, life I have been sucking at this updating thing. But put that aside for a moment, because I have a lot to say now. Last weekend was the team overnight for the retreat. We previewed the last few talks, and us wheaties got to practice our servicin' selves. It was hard giving of myself, serving others before me, and eating all of our good food last. But watching everyone enjoy our meal and see them smile or hear them say thank you was totally worth it. God put me in the right place. And I'm sure He has more in store. The overnight was at this beautiful house out in the country of a teeny town about an hour away from Champaign. Their home was situated between the trees and a lovely pond. That night, after all the events, a small group of us went outside for praise and worship. It was a dark indigo night, and the sky was perfectly clear. The stars were in abundance and shining like I had never seen before. They were reflecting on the still of the pond, and the bugs were chirping almost in rhythm with us. I saw three shooting stars, and my heart was so filled with joy and peace. Life was perfect and I couldn't stop smiling. After the weekend, I couldn't motivate myself to do homework. I checked my email a hundred times, and then Facebooked anyone and everything. It was awful, and I ended up having to rush to write a really crappy essay. So I deactivated my facebook account cold turkey. It's been two days, and I'm okay so far. Last night we had team confession, and I was not looking forward to it at all. I am not a big fan of confession, even though I believe it is a very important part in my faith. We had a really inspiring talk from Sister Janice. She gave us each a small cup full of colored sand. She talked about the good that sand can be used for, but she also talked about how it can be an irritant. It was the best examination of conscience that I've been to. A lot of things came flooding back me to though. My bitterness to Kristin. My confusion, anger, and sadness after discovering she converted to a different church. The times I skipped church because I just "wasn't in the mood." The times I yelled at God, blocked out my friends, ignored my health, and snapped at Blockbuster customers. I had been so ignorant to my wrongdoings, and I let myself believe that I was still right to accept communion. This all spilled out during confession, and my priest was SO amazing about it. He told me that we are all a work in progress. That being on team as a wheatie couldn't be more perfect for me, because it will help me remember to be a servant of Christ. He reminded me that I am a child of Christ, and He will always forgive me. How blessed am I! Seriously. When I came back to the main room I hid behind one of the couches and I broke into tears. I was overcome by the love of Christ, the fact that I wasn't the only one in sin. The love of Christ is just... a powerful thing! But my friends Brian and Mark came to my side, and held my hands. It was a really moving night to say the least. A few days ago I had emailed Kristin, expressing my heartfelt concern for her change in faith. She wrote back today. She told me she was sorry she didn't tell me about her "accepting Jesus in to my heart as my Lord and Savior." She feels that this is where God has lead her. And she assured me that it was not because of Kyle, but that it was purely between her and God. She wanted me to know that she was at peace with her life. I'm not really sure how to absorb all of this information. Especially the first part. How could she have been such a strong Catholic and not have accepted Jesus? It doesn't make sense and now I feel I'm just more confused. It's just like when Brendon and I broke up. I asked questions only to feel more hurt and confusion. And it's no different this time. I can't help but feel like it's a big joke or act. Who knows, right? Only God. The kingdom of heaven may be likened to a man who sowed good seed in his field. While everyone was asleep his enemy came and sowed weeds all through the wheat, and then went off. When the crop grew and bore fruit, the weeds appeared as well. The slaves of the householder came to him and said, "Master, did you not sow good seed in your field? Where have the weeds come from?" He answered, "An enemy has done this." His slaves said to him, "Do you want us to go and pull them up?" He replied, "No, if you pull up the weeds you might uproot the wheat along with them. Let them grow together until harvest; then at harvest time I will say to the harvesters, 'First collect the weeds and tie them in bundles for burning; but gather the wheat into my barn.'" I cannot be exclusive, and I cannot judge. Only God knows the fate of us all. I just have to pray. My friend said something to me about this situation that hurt, too. "Isn't it sad though? That you'll have to pray about this every day forever? I have stuff like that, too." Ouch. I am not alone. I just don't have the Facebook friends to prove it. But things will work out. And things will probably smooth out in ways I never even imagined. 6:11 p.m. - September 20, 2006 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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