diamondsky's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Energizer Pt. 1 Tonight I wrote in my xanga: I have a lot of spiritual things to sort out right now. But at this very moment the hardest decision of my life is whether or not I want to have a popsicle (Bomb Pop, Jr. to be specific) or a fudge bar. This weekend, like I mentioned, was Energizer--a mini retreat for the Koinonia community held during the summer. The theme was "Breath of Life" from Genesis 2:7. I knew that I needed this weekend. Desperately. There's been a lot of muck building up on my heart, a lot of anger, jealousy, and sin. So the first night, with Carly's urging, I headed into confession and just let it all flow out. Father Robert was amazing, and even thought confession intimidates me, I always love the clean slate feeling when the priest tells me that my sins have be absolved and that Jesus really does love me. Because I seem to need to be reminded of that a lot. This confession was different though, because my penance wasn't just a few Hail Marys or a Glory Be. Father Robert told me to do something for someone, without telling them that it was for penance. And it was funny, because every time I thought I was doing something nice, I wondered if it was good enough for penance, so I would try to do something else. I feel like I should keep going--and maybe that was the point. Saturday (yesterday) was really rough for me socially. Even after confession, I was still confused and a little sad to be in a community of so many strong Catholics. We were out on the quad playing this weird game of tag called "Snake" when my mental system just shut down. I blocked everything, everyone out. When the girl tripped and hit her head on the ground, I kept thinking, "Would she just get up already?" Yeah, not sure where that anger came from. By lunch I had calmed down and opened up again, but I'm really starting to think I have issues. Am I mental? Shutting down and blocking things out is NOT normal, and it makes me so mad when I can't figure out why I'm so down. It's lame! Because when I'm happy and goofing out, it's great. But when I hit these lows I just don't know what to do anymore. There was a coffee house (talent show) that night, and our group pretended to be a washing machine. I was the bundles of clothes. It was pretty great. Maybe the highlight of the evening. I'm sorry this is such a day-log, but I just don't feel like getting the emotional details yet. A few of us girls got together to watch "She's the Man," a corny chick flick that I sadly admit I enjoyed. Gah, there's more stuff, but I'm tired and have to be at blockbuster tomorrow at 9am. 10:22 p.m. - July 09, 2006 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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