diamondsky's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- His I cannot fake it any longer. I cannot fake a smile for you, you, or you. Not until I figure out what I'm feeling on the inside. I'm feeling betrayed by my closest of friends. And I know it's not really their fault. That it was God's will or something. But when Jeff said I wasn't "chosen," well, that didn't make it seem like it was God's will. I thought I was okay with this, but tonight after mass I just broke down in tears. I looked at the Sanctuary Candle that was flickering in the dark, and I felt lost and alone. I felt the chill down my spine that I usually get when something makes sense during mass--as if the Holy Spirit was right there beside me. But when I felt that chill tonight, I shrugged it away. I had that feeling before and it lead me into believing I was supposed to be on Service Team. But I was wrong, and now I don't know what to feel when I get those chills. I just want to shut down and turn it all away. Jesus said in the gospel readings today, "The wind blows where it wills, and you can hear the sound it makes, but you do not know where it comes from or where it goes". I feel as though I am caught up in this wind, but I don't think I'm going anywhere. It's like I've been swept into a quiet eddy, spinning and hovering around but not really going anywhere. I don't let very many people know that I'm feeling this way, I don't like feeling this way. I feel as though I don't know what God is doing with my life anymore; that I can't be pleasant with what He's giving me now in the present. I should stop trying to live in the past or the future and start living with what I have now. Let go and let God. Something. But I'm having this internal spiritual warfare. The devil is soaking up all this confusion in me and is trying to take advantage of me. But I don't want that to happen. I want to fight, I want to make a difference, I want to feel joyful. Jon has been here with me through all of this, but I feel pretty shitty about it. I don't mean to be so much work. To require so much attention and help. I wish I could stop being the damsel in distress and just enjoy the life I have been given. But I don't know how. And I don't know how long I can last with these feelings. I am broken. I am drained. I am exhausted. I am His. 10:27 p.m. - April 17, 2007 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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