diamondsky's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Emotions!! They say that when Diaryland gets the boot, times must be good. Times have just been complicated as Hell. And busy. Like, whoa. I've finished all of my craziness except for an assignment, a lab worksheet, and this lab presentation. I'm most nervous about the presentation. Ack. This school thing really sucks, and I know I still have a year and a half to go. I'm secretly jealous of Meg, even though she has to start figuring out all that adult stuff. Like bills and insurance and... a career. Gross. Over the weekend I went to the Fever house Formal dance. I looked really, really good. Not gonna lie. I haven't felt that pretty since, ever. And I was so excited to have a date. We went out for dinner, and Jon paid for my meal. I was really thankful, but shocked too since I was the one who invited him. As friends. The dance itself was a blast, and I was really enjoying myself with my confident bad dancing and jokes with my friends. I missed Carly, and was sad she couldn't go. My camera wasn't working, either. Boo. As the night went on, Jon and I started dancing closer to each other. He's sweet and funny, and he says all the good things a boy should say at the right time. But then I noticed that he was drinking a few beers, and when I could smell the alcohol on his breath, it definitely took away all those warm fuzzies. I was way disappointed, and for a second or so the room started to spin when I realized he was the one driving me home. Thankfully, he was actually quite sober (and of age), but it still made me nervous. He danced close to me, and made me feel like a princess. In fact, we were joking the whole night how we were royalty. But the thing is, I think this is all a convenience factor. He's sweet, funny, and convenient. He just happened to be the guy standing in the room when I decided I'd ask someone to go to Formal. He's the nice guy that I was sure would go. And how he's the guy that I could keep around me to give me compliments and make me feel good. But that would be a really shitty thing to do. So I won't do it. I had butterflies after the dance and throughout the first part of the week, but I think they were there simply because I knew I had someone who would hold me, tell me how pretty I am, and link arms with me when I tried to walk on icy sidewalks in high heels. He's convenient. But I could never tell him something like that. Tonight we went to the dorm's Christmas dinner together, and the whole time I just wanted to make jokes with my friend Adam. But I felt as though I had to talk to Jon to make him feel comfortable. I hated that I had to watch myself so that he wouldn't be left out or jealous. And after dinner, "my" group of guy friends came into the Void... It was Dan, Mark, Jason, and Michael. We were all joking and talking, and I hated that I had to keep making sure to make eye contact or something with Jon so that he knew I remembered he was there. If that makes sense. Suddenly, he isn't so convenient. I've already invited him to this celebration of the end of the semester that I hold every semester. But now I'm not so sure I want him to come. I want to chill with my girls and make awkward jokes and be really goofy without worrying about him. Obviously I can't revoke his invitation, so I'll still have a good time. I was thinking about all of this during my 10 minute walk to the plant sciences lab. I realized that I've been single for so long, that I've actually learned to accept my independence. I obviously treasure the fact that I can play when I want to play, and it doesn't have to be with a special boy. And I love having my group of guy friends. I don't want to lose that. I need a guy who won't mind that I have a lot of guy friends. Or that I'm just really stinkin busy. And Jon seems to want to talk, a lot. As Meg told me, it's time to nip this in the bud. I'm just not feeling it, and there's no use dragging him along making him think that there's something there between us. Other than convenience. I feel like a huge jerk. But it's for the best. I was just so excited about finally having something that I thought I've wanted for so long. Only I've discovered I don't really want it at all. Weird. 8:12 p.m. - December 06, 2006 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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