diamondsky's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How would you title this? Jon and I got physical, fast. We started out with "rules" or limitations. We knew what we couldn't touch and we knew what things to avoid. Once I started staying at his apartment for longer periods of time and we could close the door behind us... well, it got a little messy. Those lines turned into fuzzy horizons, which seemed to stretch on as far as we could without ever quite reaching the border. If we didn't stop, it'd turn into the kind of physical relationship that Brendon and I had. If we didn't stop, I was sure to be hurt all over again. Hurt and disappointed. If we didn't stop, it would turn into a physically intimate relationship instead of spiritually intimate relationship. On Saturday night (early Sunday morning), we were on that fuzzy horizon again, and I felt myself longing for more but wanting to stop all at the same time. I pulled away and leaned against the wall by his bed. "I'm scared," was the only thing I could mutter out. He had felt the same thing that I had felt. We talked until about 4 in the morning about what needed to be changed. We had been doing week-long wheat for each other for the past 3 weeks. We decided that for this week, we would cut out the kissing and the phsyical attention. It's been harder than it should be. Which puts all sorts of awful questions into my head. Like, do I really appreciate him for who he is? Our conversations seem stressed, and I feel disinterested. Am I really so low that I am only interested in a boy for physical attention? Bad thoughts are running through my head. Part of me wants to end this relationship for some unexplainable reason. I want to be on my own and explore new places. I want to stay up late with my friends and not worry about meeting up with him for dinner. Part of me wants to cling on tight and never let go. I want to discover his passions and integrate those into my life. I want to know what makes him laugh and what has made him cry. I want to be part of his life. But in all honesty, I don't know what I want. This sucks. This really sucks. I don't know what I want. I hate this. And where is Jesus in all of this? I can't say for sure. I haven't been able to focus on anything for more than five minutes at a time. I can't even give Jesus more than five minutes of my attention. But Jon and I could make out for much longer periods of time than that. What is wrong with me? I don't know. 4:41 p.m. - May 09, 2007 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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