diamondsky's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Neglected Written 11-11-06 Tonight was Dad's big birthday bonfire. We've always had it, and there were always great memories involved. Were. When I was little, there were other kids that came, too. So while our parents got a little tipsy around the bonfire, we played Ghost in the Graveyard or Truth or Dare. Somebody always ended up thinking our backyard was haunted. But I knew better. When I reached junior high, I could invite some of my own friends from school. Kim came once, and we had a blast making fun of The Blair Witch. We would make jokes so obscure that we wouldn't even understand the next morning, but we laughed until it hurt anyway. In high school, I got a different set of friends. Meg came, and I'll never forget sitting with her watching my parents' drunki friends try to open our back door. They'd laugh and hiccup and say, I'm more drunk than I was last year!" We made up the phrase Milk duds and Chicken, and Kristin was in on it, too. I don't remember what stemmed that phrase, but it'll probably never leave me. Even though Kristin and I don't talk. Later in highschool, Ihad Brendon and Luke and other friends come. They all came after the high school musical, and we just sat in my living room/entrance area talking and laughing. I got jealous when Meg gave Brendon a ride home. But I ended up dating him two months later. Weird. There's only one time that I can remember skipping it, and I was sad, sad, sad. Then I missed it both last year and fresman year. I was pumped to start the tradition again... I invited friends from Newman/school in hopes of bringing my two worlds together. Not many people were available because it was Dad's weekend at school. But there were three people who said they'd come. I was really looking forward to it. The party started at 6pm, and I had no word from any of my friends. Okay. I had some chips and dip and mingled with some of my parents' friends. We did the whole "What are you doing with your life" bit. They all had to humor me when I said I was majoring in horticulture. They had no idea what it is. I sneaked out later and watched the last half or so of Ghostbusters on TV. Still no word from my friends. I called Lynn and left a message, and then called Dan and couldn't get into his voicemail. Mark had never given me his phone number, but he said he'd call. Annoying. By the end of the movie, I was feeling very neglected. I went out to the bonfire, played with my dogs, and tried to enjoy myself. At 8:30, Lynn called. She had been gone at lab all day, so she decided she was going to relax for the rest of the night. She asked if everything was okay, but I didn't feel like telling her no. There was still no news from Dan, and his voicemail never came up. There wasn't an email, and his AIM status was away and idle. After Lynn's call, I broke down. I went into my room, turned on some music, and cried. It was a numbing, cold, bitter cry. I wanted to shut myself off and leave everything behind. I was isolated, deserted. Alone, confused. I replayed "Boston" by Augustana, sobbing and wishing I could start over somewhere else. My cat jumped onto the bed and snuggled up next to me. Obviously a snotty nose and drippy eyes are cat signals for cuddling. When he did that, he stepped onto my phone and caused the iTunes to switch to a different song. "You Know Where to Find Me" started playing.
I stopped crying and started listening to the lyrics. I still felt numb and alone, but at least now I had a cat purring in my ear. I finally gathered myself together and wiped away my tears (and blew my nose....ew). Nothing had changed and no one had called, but I was hungry and decided I had cried long enough. I fixed myself a few s'mores, watched a few marshmallows burn in the fire (oops), and enjoyed the bonfire by myself while everyone drank away in side the garage. By now everyone but my mom and me was drunk and loud. With no friends by my side they weren't nearly as entertaining. I was reallly pissed at Dan and Mark, but I found myself missing Meg, Kristin, and (oddly) Brendon even more. Finally, I headed into the garage. My dad's friend, Pat, started The Talk with me. He wasn't completely drunk yet. THen he asked the awkward question... "So, do you have a boyfriend these days?" No, I replied. Mom and Dad both cut in on how I had a "friend." But we both pretty much know that nothing is going on between Andrew and me, and he's really nothing more than a friend. Pat went on, "Oh, I just remember, the last time I saw you, there was a boy hanging all over you like there was no tomorrow. Brendon. How weird. It's hit me that it had to have been 3 or 4 years ago. TImes have certainly changed. I thought, with my friendships at Newman, that things were changing for the better. But I have been feeling so neglected, forgotten, this past semester that I'm not feeling it anymore. Friendships that havev started a year ago to this day are already fading. And, really, how well did they know me, anyway? do they know about my brother, my heart condition, that I used to play the alto clarinet? I suppose this is just as much my fault. But something is missing. I've grown in faith, but I feel the need to move on. Carly wrote about this in her jounal, and I cried when I read it. I cried because I knew the same thing was happening to me. Ouch. I'm still feeling numb, and I wish I could skip the next week and head straight into Thanksgiving break. I have two tests and a small project to finish before I get to have my break. Really, I feel as though everything has just fallen apart. The joy that I felt at the beginning of October seems like a distant memory. I hope I'm juse being melodramatic and that it will all be better tomorrow. But, really, this anger in me doesn't seem to be subsiding. Honestly. They couldn't even leave me an email. Honestly. Fuck it, I'm going to bed. 9:57 p.m. - November 12, 2006 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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