diamondsky's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Trust...and other stuff. I can't believe October is almost over. Seriously, where did time go? Wednesday I had 2 exams, a quiz, and a paper to write. I think it was the longest day in my academic history. Ew. Somehow I made it, and Andrew and I had a late night cereal adventure. We made up some pretty weird concoctions including microwaved Apple Jacks and oatmeal. My favorite was Cinnamon Toast Crunch mixed with Cocoa Puffs. Sugary goodness! Hanging out with him should have been relaxing, especially after a long day like that, but I found myself struggling for words or ways to keep the conversation going. Maybe I was just exhausted? Thursday I had spiritual direction, and Sister Janice advised that I just keep hanging out with Andrew, and to keep being an example of Christ's love to him. I'm going to try my best. Andrew asked to get together again, and told me that it was my turn to think of what we'd do. So far I was thinking a trip to the ice arena and then Moonstruck afterwards. My friend Mark recommended getting a thermos of hot cocoa and going on a walk instead. I figure if we go ice skating, and I fall down, the more he'll have to pick me up. Right? Hmmm... This weekend was the retreat for NFK 91. I didn't get the usual high of the weekend like I normally do. Our wheatie team got together again to prepare the reunion dinner, and we had waaaay too much leftover food. But it was good to be serving again. That doesn't mean I want to be in food service! The retreat reunion itself was tiring. Our wheatie team cleaned up after NFK 91's agape dinner. They had a lot more participants than our retreat, so it felt like I was washing pots, pans, and dishes forever! We definitely took a few breaks to rock out to some tunes though. I missed being with my fellow wheaties. On the car-ride to Bellflower, we played a game where we asked a question and then we all answered it. It was the usual "Favorite type of ice cream" questions, until somebody asked "Favorite prayer?" I didn't really know what to say, because the only prayers I really use are the general, formulated prayers. The rest is what I come up with and feel in my heart. I thought that's all that mattered. They kept spitting out prayers that were found in the back of the Worship book in church. And when it was my turn, I muttered out, "I don't know... I don't really.." Matt cut me off and said, "Pray? Geeze." I'm sure he was joking, but it cut me really deep, and I started crying. He didn't even care. It very well could have ruined my night. I was quiet and disconnected for a long time, trying to figure out what was wrong. Sometimes I feel like I'm a worthless Catholic...Christian. I don't read the Bible every night, and I don't use special prayers. I don't know all the traditions. And I don't want a family with 5 or 6 kids. Right now I desire to see the world and become a better person. And maybe I'm just not ready for a family yet. Or maybe I'm just not trying to plan my future, because I know God has good things in store for me. Why bother dreaming up my future when I know He has something prepared for me anyway? But I love God. And I want to love Him more deeply and see Him more clearly. So why does it matter if I don't pray number 1038 in the Worship book? Whatever happened to saying things that are on my heart? And I go to Bible study, and sometimes I'll pick up that book and read something and discover it was exactly what I needed. I'm growing. Faith is an ongoing process. It's constantly changing and growing stronger. Right now, all I can do is have faith and trust in the Lord. 4:12 p.m. - October 29, 2006 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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